In September 2016 I was a bridesmaid in two weddings, two weekends in a row.

I purchased my bridesmaid dresses in the spring and even though they fit nicely, I was planning to lose a few pounds before the weddings in order to look extra cute. The summer was a flurry of vacation, bridal showers, work travel, and bachelorette parties. Nine days before the first wedding, I tried on the dresses for the first time since I'd bought them. To my horror, I couldn't zip them. I frantically called my friend (who lived in the same apartment building) and asked her if she could come help me get the dresses zipped. She couldn't either and we were both afraid that if we tried too hard, the zippers might break. I started to do this laugh/cry thing as I frantically realized I had gained so much weight over the summer that I had outgrown these dresses. (How this was lost on me is beyond my comprehension but hey, denial is an excellent coping skill). My friend tried to reassure me but there was no way I was going to be okay with this. I resolved right then and there to lose weight.

In an effort to get into the dresses fast my early efforts were extreme and not at all healthy or sustainable, but they got the job done. The dresses weren't exactly comfortable but at least they zipped. I still refer to this as "The Great Bridesmaids Dress Debacle of 2016".

I've always struggled with my weight and have a lot of shame around it. Some of this might stem from coming from a southern family that feeds their feelings, often in the form of casseroles.

A self proclaimed "good girl" (my actual first words), food was a socially acceptable source of reprieve from a childhood filled with much love but seeped in scarcity and violent outbursts at home. I figured that if I did the right things, avoided the wrong things and was the most helpful daughter/sister/friend, etc...things would settle down. As I was absorbed by a need for approval, I ate to cope with fear and loneliness.

Due to being physically active (I've always really loved to exercise), my weight didn't begin to creep in until I hit puberty. The combination of hormones and increasing volatility at home, my weight shot up. I remember regularly putting myself on diets to no avail. I tried them all. Low-fat, Adkins, The Zone, Weight Watchers, you name it. I also cut out pictures from Seventeen Magazine as a source of "inspiration". I was convinced that I was just one diet away from reaching the ideal I saw reflected on those shiny pages. This only further twisted my relationship with food as I swung on a pendulum from starvation to bingeing.

My mom was aware of what I was doing, but never asked me about it. We both knew that I was "a little chubby" but she regularly told me I was beautiful just the way I was. Side note: her focus on my choosing clothes that were figure flattering ("let's go with the black one Courtney, it's more slimming") and own body image issues didn't help matters but to be fair, she had no idea of what was going on with me internally - there's no way she could have. At the time, I simply didn't have a language to articulate my needs and fears and she didn't have the questions to ask.

Post wedding blitz, I met with my doctor and we discussed a slow and reasonable plan for my weight loss. It was going to require some lifestyle changes but it felt manageable and sort of exciting. I had a project and it was tangible and most certainly measurable. To give myself a fitness goal, I registered for the Big Sur International 21 Miler in Big Sur, CA for the following April. I was off to the races- literally.

I intentionally choose to not to share how I lost weight (although it's pretty basic, simply burn more calories than you consume) as this is a trigger for some. I am relentless to not send people "to the bad place" and will not perpetuate the 68.2 BILLION dollar weight loss industry in our country.

Over the course of eight months, I lost over forty pounds. This is a lot of weight, especially for someone my height and build. I went from a size twelve to a four. While that was relatively fast in retrospect and required much focus, my doctor said was a healthy pace for me but that might not be the case for everyone. It's important to remember that bodies vary dramatically and health is not only determined by our weight.

April came and I hit my goal and it was glorious. I knew I was on the brink of all my dreams coming true. This was true and it totally wasn't, at least not in the way I imagined I relished the attention I was getting. The people pleaser in me felt so much acceptance every time I got a compliment or wore clothes that I previously wouldn't have been brave enough to wear. Life really was different in a smaller body and that secretly made me sad.

Our society really does judge women by the size of their waistlines. But here’s the thing, I just me too, and worse than anyone else ever could. It's awful but I value myself so much more when I am smaller and this makes me act and relate to others differently. Is THIS why I got more dates? Is this why I was braver and took fashion risks and no longer avoided hot yoga classes because my face got red???

Since then, I have gained back between five to seven pounds (depending on my cycle) but have otherwise maintained an over 35 pound weight loss for two and a half years, I have a BMI that my doctor is pleased with. I have completed three marathons and multiple half-marathons during this time and that my body is strong and healthy and I trust it.

Having developed more confidence, I finally decided to I move across the country to pursue a long term dream to live in California (and it's as great as I wanted it to be) and have been more bold in building my career than I ever imagined. I celebrate these successes so much more than what the scale. To be very honest, I still battle my body image daily and I am terrified that I will never be satisfied. What does this say? This might always be a thing for me. We all have areas of weakness so this might as well be mine. I just wish it wasn't so external. The rest of the world can see it loud and clear whereas other weaknesses and struggled can be more easily hidden.